10 Things I Say No To And Why

Have you ever been asked to do something that you really didn't feel comfortable with, but you did it anyway, and then you felt like crap?

Sometimes these requests come directly, and other times they come by means of social expectations that we buy into to when we're second-guessing or not clear of our own core beliefs.

Basically, when you do something you don't resonate with or isn't aligned with your true self, you can feel anxiety, stress, anger or even guilt. These emotions are warning signs you're not respecting your own internal barometer of what's right for you.

Since I've been writing a lot about saying no, I'm going to be totally vulnerable here and confess some things that I really don't resonate—things that I've learned to say no to. I admit, I'm a bit embarrassed, but I really shouldn't be. These things make me feel stressed or resentful, and quickly drain my energy, and Lord knows I can't afford that. Several of them are things that I know are socially "required" but I choose not to participate (yes, you almost always have a choice even when you don't think so). Yes, sometimes I have to defend my position, but I'd rather do that then feel all the negative emotions I associate with engaging in these activities.

No one can stand up for your beliefs besides you. Here are some items on my "Nope/Nada/Don't Think So" List (in no particular order):

1. TV News

Call me what you will, I don't watch the news on TV. There's nothing more depressing to me than watching all the bad stuff that happened locally and globally on a particular day. I know for me (and many others) it instills fear and a sense of helplessness, and I don't like to feel that way. I get the important news I need elsewhere in manageable bites that don't overwhelm me.

 

2. Obligatory Gift Giving

Christmas is right around the corner. As much as I love the holidays and love gift giving, I keep my gift list relatively small, mostly to the children in my life. I don't believe in obligatory gift exchanges because if you don't want to exchange gifts with someone, your heart isn't in it and it fosters resentment. I'd prefer to spend time with someone than pick a gift off a list to buy them. My friends and I agreed years ago to stop exchanging gifts and instead try to get together for some much needed (and wanted) quality time.

 

3. "Reality" TV Shows

My theory on reality shows is that people watch them to feel better about themselves. Reality shows are designed for us to alienate one person or group and root for another. And the truth is, most reality shows are scripted, so you're really just watching a soap opera. Definitely not a good use of my time.

 

4. Excess Stuff

I'm not a minimalist, but I rarely shop for stuff I don't need. Over my lifetime I've gathered enough beautiful things around me to keep me inspired and happy. I don't need more stuff than I can comfortably fit in my living and working space. I don't want to have to store stuff I don't use—with the exception of holiday décor maybe, what's the point? A little shopping trick I've taught myself is to carry the desired item around the store with me while I browse. If by the time I'm done browsing I don't feel an overwhelming need for the object, I put it back. This works online as well. I put the item in my shopping cart but I don't usually purchase it. Often times when I go back and visit the site again and the item is still in my shopping cart, I wonder why that thing was ever in my shopping cart in the first place. There's less chance of buyer's remorse this way.

 

5. Potluck Dinners

I'm not a cook and I really don't really resonate with being invited into somebody's home and yet be required to bring my own food. I don't expect people to bring their own food to my house. I know I shouldn't, but I always feel like a schmuck showing up with something I purchased at the grocery store on the way there when everyone has some beautiful, organic presentation. It's not that I don't care, it's that I don't cook for "normal" people. I have numerous (and I mean NUMEROUS) food allergies and can't eat stuff that normal people can eat. Because of that, my eating habits are really odd compared to the average person. All kinds of anxiety comes up around what to bring and what to eat when I'm there (people look at you funny if you only eat your own food!). I don't like to do things that create unnecessary anxiety for me, so I don't go.

 

6. Attending Personal Events by Invitation of People I Don't Really Know

Have you ever been invited to a wedding of someone you don't really know? Someone who is only inviting you because they feel obligated? What's the point? They don't really want to invite you and you really don't want to go. I just respectfully decline.

 

7. Big Promise Cosmetics

OK ladies, 'fess up. How many times have you seen a commercial for a wrinkle-reducing cream or a mascara that will make your eyelashes 3" long? We've all succumb to video tricks and Photoshopped advertising. Next time you're tempted, remember the last time you gave in and the results you got. We waste hundreds of dollars a year or more on products we don't need. I got sick of having a product graveyard in my bathroom cabinet, so I only allow myself to try very few new cosmetics or other products each year. (By the way, if you think those girls in the mascara commercials are not wearing serious false eyelashes, you need to put your glasses on!)

 

8. Trading Work

In service-based industries, people often ask to trade for work. Back when I was a young designer who was freelancing on the side, and I think even a new entrepreneur, I used to look for opportunities to trade work. It serves a purpose if you need to build a portfolio from nothing and have the opportunity to work on a great project in trade for something you really want or need, even if it's just the great piece of work you get to do. However, most of the times I traded work, I really got the short end of the stick. Only once in 17 years can I remember really making a fair trade and that was just a few years ago. Nowadays, I usually refuse a trade request because it's not the best use of my time and doesn't carry the value for me that it used to. If the trade seems valuable to me, I make sure the parameters feel fair to me and create a written contract like I would for any other job to be sure that I don't feel gypped. I know my services are valuable as is my time. At this point in my life and career, I am very protective of my time, and have every right to be selective about trading work.

 

9. Discussing Politics

In my experience and observation, discussing politics never makes anyone feel good, especially not me. It makes people feel agitated, angry and bothered and that stresses me out. Perhaps it's because I was raised by a very politically impassioned parent, but regardless, this is just a line that I draw.

 

10. Toxic People

I am extremely selective about who I get close to and call my friend. Of course, this too, I learned the hard way. I used to get very close to people very quickly and then become disappointed when I really got to know them. Because my illness is very hard for the average person to understand, I need to surround myself with people that respect my limitations even if they don't "get" them. I have no room in my life for people who are clear and constant energy drains.  

Some of these things may seem trivial and certainly may not resonate with you, but the point is to find what makes you feel uncomfortable or icky, or stuff that drains your energy, and start to let it go. Creating boundaries and standards helps keeping you living authentically, while mindfully keeping your energy up and your heart happy.

So here's your chance to confess. What do YOU say no to and why? If you're holding back, you may be willfully taking on things that are draining your energy and creating resentment. Try saying no and see how you feel.